Using Language to Avoid Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term for a type of psychological deception that makes individuals doubt their own sanity. In its worst forms, gaslighting can take the form of a habit of poisonous and abusive behavior that rips apart relationships. Even when they don't mean to, people sometimes say or do things that lead to gaslighting.

To maintain good communication patterns in your relationship, we'll cover typical gaslighting terms in this lesson:

1. "You're far too emotional."

This phrase is ineffective even if you believe your partner is overreacting. Instead of attempting to figure out why your partner feels the way that they do, you are making an effort to downplay the significance and validity of their emotional reactions. Instead, use words and phrases that give your partner room to communicate how and why they are feeling in that way. As an example of active listening, try repeating back some of what they're saying to show them you're paying attention.

2. "It was only a joke."

When you try to pass off nasty comments—or even offensive attempts at humor—as "just jokes," you're trying to place the blame on your partner rather than on yourself. In this perspective, it is your fault for not being sympathetic and taking responsibility for your own actions rather than their fault for being hurt or offended. Being a caring spouse requires accepting responsibility for how you made them feel, even if you believe they overreacted to a casual remark.

3. “It's not my fault you're such an insecure person.

"This phrase is particularly harmful since it simultaneously downplays your accountability and makes a passive-aggressive jab at your partner's self-assurance. Although some jealously or insecurity is immature, you and your partner may need to focus on increasing your trust in one another and in your relationship as a whole.However, any discussion of limits and expectations can only be effective if it is based on mutual respect. It's not the right time to point fingers or dismiss insecurities since having sensitive or anxious issues in a relationship is totally normal. The capacity to solve these issues together is essential to the success of your partnership.

** Gaslighting behavior can occasionally occur even in generally healthy partnerships. The first step to avoiding these circumstances in the future is to be prepared to recognize them in both your partner and yourself.