Providing Feedback

12/01/23

It is referred to as criticism by some and input by others. Whatever name you give it, at some point you will need to provide constructive criticism to your partner in order to support their growth as well as the growth of your partnership. You will benefit from being able to provide constructive criticism in relationships with friends, family, and coworkers in addition to your partner.

Here's how to provide feedback without causing conflict in four different methods:

1. Choose the appropriate moment and location.

It's important to find a setting where your spouse will be most open to your feedback. Ideal conditions for it would be quiet and free of outside disturbances. Take note of your partner's mental and emotional health and make sure you have enough time to address the topics you want to talk about. It's possible that their emotional reserves are depleted if they recently had a rough workday or had trouble sleeping the night before.

2. Prioritize specificity above generality.

"You're always late" is not as useful as, "Going to my friend's dinner party is important to me, and I was disappointed you weren't ready to leave when we had planned."

Instead of dwelling on your partner's shortcomings, pay attention to how their actions—or lack thereof—impacted you. It's unrealistic to expect ingrained behaviors to alter instantly. Rather, concentrate on reaching a mutually agreeable compromise and express that the conversation is two-way, as you are also adjusting your expectations.

3. Evaluate yourself.

If you've identified a problem with your own actions, set an example for others by modeling how criticism should be offered and accepted. Tell your partner, for instance, "I noticed that I kept interrupting you during our recent conversation." I understand that it may be difficult for you to wrap up your ideas and know that I'm listening, but I'll try not to interrupt you the next time."

Make sure you fulfill your obligations. It is worse to speak without acting than to say nothing at all.

4. Offer compliments.

Establish a routine of telling your partner when they've done something particularly thoughtful or made you feel cherished. If you respond positively to criticism right after, it's unlikely to come across as sincere. You might discover that providing frequent positive reinforcement is significantly more successful in fostering growth in your relationship with your partner than providing negative reinforcement.

*Recall that constructive criticism and feedback are two separate things, and that positive feedback in your relationship is beneficial to your growth as well as your partner's.